Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
