I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
