Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
