He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
