my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
