I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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