We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
