Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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