i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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