Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
