so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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