If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
