Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
