Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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