Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
