was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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