I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
