the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
