also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
