I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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