I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Randomize
