You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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