and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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