The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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