Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
