I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
