areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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