well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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