if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
