i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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