An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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