Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
