Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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