what day is it and did you see me today?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
