she woke up with a sticky ear
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
