We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
