Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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