i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
