i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
