Pants 0. Shit 1.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
