I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
