Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
