Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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