Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
