im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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