Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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