I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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