if only i could text you this smell
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
