i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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