So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
