I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
