giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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